Monday, November 5, 2007

Feeling overwhelmed...or under?

I'm not impressed with myself right now.
Last week, admittedly, I had to slow down due to back problems. And the meds the doctor gave me made me kind of fuzzy...I had a major disconnect on Sunday about the pledge cards. Even though I was not included in any of the mailings or the visitation campaign (which meant I knew nearly nothing about it, as the senior pastor was in charge), Ben and I had talked about it beforehand. Even so, I sort of blanked before the first service about what to do and how to handle it. By the end of the first service, I really felt like it was probably the meds that made me so fuzzy, but I was still really unhappy with myself and how I'd handled a passing conversation with the senior pastor about it.
I also fell down a bit on a visit; I have a bad habit of not carrying business cards with me. Comes of not carrying a purse, I think; I often walk into the hospital, nursing home, or residence with nothing in my hands but my keys. And without pockets, there's nowhere to put anything else. So I went to an empty room and had no way to leave a note. I tried to follow up with a phone call later and got a busy signal. Today I meant to try again, but after lunch I was so tired that I went home and took a quick nap in the recliner. At least I caught up with the person by phone, finally.
And I also somehow just failed to ask whether tomorrow's funeral might be accompanied by a visitation either tonight or tomorrow. No one told me, and there hasn't been time to get it in the local paper, but seriously, I just flat didn't think about it. I was focused on tomorrow's service, which I will participate in, but it never occurred to me to ask about visitation. So I didn't go...but I'm so frustrated with myself! Even though the senior pastor went, in the deepest corner of my heart lives a solo pastor, and I'm determined that I should have been there, even though my head knows that his presence is enough.
Ben gave me a talking to over supper. I always think he errs on the side of defending me without acknowledging that I have made legitimate errors, but he contends (and probably rightly) that I'm sleep-deprived because of the back pain (even when I sleep, it's not good sleep). I'm also stressed because there's a lot going on with the church (and there is; youth retreat, contemporary service relaunch, death, moving into Thanksgiving and Christmas season, annual evaluation[of course, on a week when I'm not feeling all that pleased with my work]). There's also my class, and all the personal life stuff: stepmother dying, bad back, mom's had surgery, blah blah blah. He thinks a few days of good sleep and no meds will set things right, and he's probably right, but somehow I have to make a god imitation of functioning in the meantime. And I feel like the senior pastor's had to pick up a lot of slack for me this semester. I don't like that, and I hope I can get through the spring and summer without depending on him too much (although I'm very glad to have him).
At least I had some good news today: I am not going to New Jersey in January for 3 weeks. That means that I will be able to save some vacation time; I really thought I'd be giving it all up for next year. And the way I'm acting lately, I really think I need it! I'm just not sure how that's going to happen. I know one thing: it's nearly 9, and my tired self is going to bed! That's my first step to making tomorrow better than today.

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